Hey you magnificent New Yorker,
Hope you’re reading this while stuck on the subway, fake-working at your job, or pretending that $8 iced coffee was a “necessary expense.”
Welcome back to What the New York — the only newsletter that reads the news so you don’t have to cry alone.
Let’s get into what NYC did this week 👇
STARBUCKS FINALLY COUGHS UP (AND NOT FROM THE OAT MILK)
Starbucks just agreed to pay $38.9 MILLION to NYC workers for breaking scheduling laws.
Turns out:
500,000 violations
15,000 workers
And about $50 per week owed to each employee
Translation:
Corporate America said “We’re listening” and NYC said “Cool, give us the money.”
Baristas everywhere are celebrating — right before their next 6:30am shift.
DRAMA AT CITY HALL: DEPUTY MAYOR SAID “I’M OUT”
NYC’s Deputy Mayor Randy Mastro officially quit and didn’t just leave quietly — he left with a spicy resignation letter aimed at incoming Mayor Zohran Mamdani.
It was very much:
“I fixed things, good luck though.”
City Hall right now feels like a group chat where someone left mid-argument and everyone’s rereading old messages like…. 👀
NYC SAID “YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED? CASINOS.”
New York City approved THREE NEW CASINOS.
Yes.
In a city where:
Rent already feels like gambling
MTA delays are games of chance
And dating apps are emotional slot machines
One casino is rumored near Citi Field, which means Mets fans can now lose money before AND after the game.
Efficiency. We love that.
BIKE LANE DRAMA: QUEENS SAID “ABSOLUTELY NOT”
A judge ordered NYC to remove a bike lane redesign in Astoria after businesses complained.
On one side:
Cyclists: “This is about safety.”
On the other:
Store owners: “Where do cars go?”
NYC compromise:
Everyone is angry. Balance restored. ⚖️
CHINATOWN ICE RAID TURNS INTO A SCENE
Federal immigration agents tried a raid in Chinatown.
About 200 protesters showed up and said: “Not today.”
Arrests were made. Tensions rose.
Incoming Mayor Mamdani called the raid “cruel and inhumane.”
Basically, NYC once again reminded America:
“We’re loud, opinionated, and will argue with anyone at any time.”
SO… WHAT DID WE GOT THIS WEEK?
Starbucks finally read NYC labor law
Politicians quit via essay
Casinos are coming whether we like it or not
Bike lanes remain NYC’s longest war
And immigration debates are still very real and very tense
Your group chat, or your coworker who “doesn’t watch the news”, even better to that friend who complains about NYC nonstop but refuses to leave.
Because honestly… what else could this city possibly do next? 🧐🧐
(Please don’t answer that. NYC will hear you.)
See you next issue,
— Ned
Chief Comedian of Your Local News